Monthly Archives: February 2013

Present and Accounted For

1279418_50347591aIt amazes me how many people tie the knot then fail to show up for the marriage. It’s like marriage was something on their to-do list and now that they have ticked it off they can get on with their lives. Thus begins the pattern of “taking for granted”. To save a marriage you have to start when it begins.

I remember watching a  reality TV show where the characters started off with the promotion and then had to work to keep it, I think it should be that way in a marriage – start off with the perfect marriage and then work to keep it that way. Avoid the trap of getting so used to the other person that you simply stop being present in the marriage, friends and sport (and things like that) should come a distant second in any marriage. The thing is that you don’t notice the slip when it starts happening, you usually only wake up when the distance is great between your partner and you. For a happy marriage you will pay: You will pay with attention, or you will pay with pain. My advice? Start paying attention now.

Notice those little things that are becoming more important that building the marriage, being right is one of them. You can either be right, or you can be happy, you can rarely be both at the same time. It’s easy at the start, when the relationship is new, but just like anything else, you get bored with it when you get used to it. Like a beautiful garden, a relationship needs constant attention in little ways. Letting it go to weed only leads to a battle you can’t win, instead of keeping a garden beautiful you will be trying to keep it free of weeds. You will go from tending to fighting. Pay attention now, or pay with pain.

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Hurt People Hurt People

303570_8610aThe trouble with emotional pain is that the only way you can be aware of it is when it reveals itself in your behaviour.  It’s not at all like physical injury that you can see or localize  but it lurks deep within and expresses itself through your behaviour and decisions. In the end, you end up hurting the people you love because you yourself are hurt.

I remember seeing a documentary on foxes, an injured fox lashes out at anything that comes near it, no matter how well intentioned the thing is. Its instinct is to protect itself at all costs. You are very much the same, in an emotionally wounded state you will become irrationally self protective and lash out at the very people who love you and want to help you.

If you stopped and listen to the voice of your ego (whose motive really is to keep you safe) you would hear things like “Don’t trust anyone,” “They just want to use you”, and things like that, and you behave accordingly. The trouble with behaviour is that while you will question other people’s actions, you don’t question your own until they have cost you dearly. So the big question is how much of what you do is motivated by the unhealed emotional wounds that you carry? The lashing out and pushing away that feels so rational and necessary is nothing more than an attempt to defend yourself from an imagined enemy.

Taking the time to heal and get help is essential, a wounded person only ends up wounding the people around them (especially the ones that really do care and want to help) and you end up with a victim instead of a partner. How do you know if you are carrying around an unhealed hurt? Simple, how easy is it for you to just be happy and let yourself give and receive love? Not so easy? You may be walking wounded.

http://www.imagineif.co.za