Monthly Archives: October 2012
This is an interesting one, when you know that your relationship is over and you stay because you are afraid of leaving, this robs you of finding the right relationship and freeing your partner to move on to find the right one for him/her as well.
This is one of the biggest issues I have had to help a lot of clients deal with, letting go when it is long past due to let go. Even if there are kids involved, using them as an excuse to stay does no good to you or them, what kind of message do your kids get about relationships if you are miserable in yours? They will only blame themselves for your unhappiness if they are the reason you stay. Besides you being happy will be far more beneficial to them than you being sad.
Holding on when it is time to let go kills any future hope for a happy relationship for both parties, and it is probably one of the most selfish things you can do. Ripping the band-aid off quickly is far better than a long, slow, festering death. If you know it is time to let go and you find you can’t then for your own sake give me a call (or any other coach), as the longer you wait the more difficult it will become and you will only end up bitter and sick. You know those miserable old people you swear you will never be like? That’s where you are headed. Sure you may hurt the other person in the process, but setting them free to find the love they deserve is far better in the long run.
If you are like most people you will probably just try to ignore the problem and hope that you will either learn to cope, or that by some miracle things will change. Dream on, it’s the elephant in the room that no one can ignore; what’s more it is dead so eventually the smell will get you if you find you can ignore it. Do everyone, including you, a favour, if it is time to let go then let go. You don’t need to do it alone either, coaching is a wonderful way to get through the worst of things.
Need help letting go and moving on? www.imagineif.co.za
I am tired of setting goals. I really am. They are always about some point in the future when I will have what I don’t have now, and feel what I don’t feel now. I actually have no idea if the thing I am going for will hold any happiness for me at all; there is no real evidence to that effect.
Most people I know have dabbled with goals and now don’t bother with them. Some would say though that goal setting is the difference between success and failure. It is said that the top three percent of the world’s population are goal setters and that is what got them there, I would argue that it could rather mean that 97% of goals are not achieved.
I am being hard on goals though, I actually do think that having some sort of direction is good. The big problem with goals is that they don’t really give us anything right now. If my goal is financial freedom, it is probably because I need it right now. The other issue with goals is that most people look at where they are at right now, and where they want to be and then start to really feel the distance. The goal becomes a de-motivating factor. I remember walking down a beach once, for the longest time it seemed like I wasn’t going anywhere but then I rounded a curve and looked back and noticed I had walked for miles.
The difference between walking down a beach and going for a goal is that when you are walking down a beach you actually don’t care about the destination, it is just good to walk. Funny thing is that you end up reaching the destination anyway. When you set a goal, there is certain territory that needs to be crossed between here and there; if you don’t set the goal but cross the territory you will still reach that place. If you set the goal, but don’t cross the territory then you won’t reach it. The territory is more important than the goal. The goal only serves as a star you occasionally glimpse at to get your bearings, but it is the journey that requires the focus.
Another thing is that if I really break my goals down, they are about feeling happy and safe. “Happy and safe” is the real goal, not the “thing” I think I need to have in order to feel happy and safe. I can feel happy and safe now. If I focus on living excellently in the right now it will result in happy and safe and so much more, so why would I need the goal? Having more money won’t make me feel happy and safe (could be quite the opposite), feeling happy and safe will make me feel happy and safe. Goals are not as important as living excellently in the now. I bet there are successful people who didn’t set major goals, and I bet there are unsuccessful people who did. BUT I bet there are NO unhappy people who focus on the right now, and live excellently in it. My verdict on goals, set ‘em if you need ‘em, but only as stars to guide you. For the rest, just live excellently in the right now and get there anyway.
Oh boy do I deal with this one a lot with my clients! I find two things very interesting when it comes to this little darling: 1. It’s always the other person who has the problem, and 2. The complainer doesn’t want to take the medicine he/she is prescribing for his/her partner. I have had to turn clients away because they have been sent to me by their partner. Let me tell you, if you think that your partner needs to change, then you need to consider the very real chance that it is indeed you who needs the change. The chances are that if you can’t accept the other person, then you are struggling to accept yourself.
Like it or not, no matter how “bad” your partner is, you have no right to tell him/her to change; only they can decide that for themselves. Ouch. You might want the other person to change, but if someone gave you a list of all the ways that you need to change it would be a different story. A partner who changes to please the other person has not really changed at all and this will only end in disappointment. It has to be because they want it for themselves and because they want to improve their lives, or not at all.
Change has to be more than behaviour modification, and usually an insistence on change will result in resentment in the long run. The fact that you cannot change another person or expect them to change for you is one of the toughest to accept in a relationship. The main way that the desire for the other person to change destroys a relationship is that you will end up becoming your partner’s “mother” or “father” and no longer your partner’s lover, and no normal person wants to have intimate relations with his/her parents.
Something that I often hear people talk about is that their prayers don’t seem to work. It always seemed to me, back In the day, that it was other people’s prayer that got answered and never mine, leading me to the erroneous belief that there was something wrong with me, or that I didn’t have enough faith. One of the worst reasons I ever heard for “unanswered” prayer was that I was being punished for some sin or other and that I needed to “get right” with God and He would answer me.
I think that a misunderstanding of prayer has led to people thinking all kinds of nonsense about God….God doesn’t love me, God doesn’t exist, I am a bad person….etc. I don’t blame them, if you dial a number and no one answers, or worse, the number you have been given is disconnected, you could be forgiven for coming to certain conclusions. Well let me give you two truths: firstly, you are always praying; secondly, your prayers are always answered, you always get what you pray for. I am sure most of you will disagree on both counts. Some of you may even argue that since you don’t actually believe in God, how can you be praying? Ah, but this once again speaks to a misunderstanding about prayer. You see we have been conditioned to think of prayer as something we say, and then hope that it will come to pass some day. The thing is that God doesn’t use language, and some day never comes. Some people will say that of course God uses language, after all there are holy books written “by God”, and there are people who claim to hear the voice of God, I would say that these are interpretations of what God is communicating rather than the actual verbatim words themselves. Ok, before you stone me, this is just my opinion.
I think prayer works like this: visualisation + emotion = prayer. This is why I say that you are always praying and your prayer is always being answered. You are always imagining things and feeling emotions, the thing is that you are more often than not focussed on the things you don’t want. An example: “I really don’t want to get sick this winter, but I always do,” in fact you so badly don’t want it that you fear it and take some precautions, and then you end up getting sick. Or you are so afraid of being poor that you are constantly digging yourself out of debt. Or you “always” pick the wrong guy and you so hope that this time will be different, but you are always getting over the latest bad choice. You see, if you consider what the focus is in each of these scenarios, you will realise that it is on what the person doesn’t want, rather than what they do want.
God doesn’t listen to our words, God looks at the focus behind the words – this is why you sometimes get the opposite of what you ask for, since your heart energy is focussed on the opposite – you are asking for finances but your focus is on being poor, for example. Those times when your prayers have been answered are those times when you have inner congruence, head and heart in line. You need to become aware of your focus at all times, and make sure that it is on what you want. So to pray successfully you would spend time imagining what you want as if it has already happened and focus on feeling as though it has. It’s a bit like tuning in to a radio station, the imagining and feeling gets you on the right frequency. So before you reject prayer as an option for you, realise that you are already doing it all the time so you might as well use it to your advantage.
I have often wondered if the past is something that actually happened or if I just made it up. I reason that since I remember it, it must be real. Science is showing that the clearer the memory, the greater the likelihood that it is just made up. Now I am not so sure about that, but what I do know is that my past is greatly exaggerated by my perception, things are what they are because of the meaning I give them. Enter our next relationship assassin: The drag net.
Like a net that is dragged across the bed of a lake or river drags up everything from discarded tires to dead bodies, so the drag net in a relationship scoops up all the junk from the past and uses it as ammunition in the present. Holding on to past mistakes kills future hope for the relationship. I am not talking about the repeat offender, or the trust breaker here, I am talking about silly things like “You said…..you did….you forgot”. Usually they are things that only one person (the wounded party) in the relationship remembers. Have you noticed that you tend to remember offences that your partner has forgotten? If only one of you remembers the offence, then it is half as important as you think it is.
No one has any defence against someone who uses the past as a weapon. The sad thing is that using the past as a weapon doesn’t get you the satisfaction you want; it just makes the other person resent you. The need to be right will cause you to fight dirty, and using the past is just that. If living in the past is dragging your relationship down with it, and you really want to let go then it’s time for some coaching!! Break the pattern now and start enjoying your life.