Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Trouble with Goals

 

We love truisms; there is a certain security in something that is true. I once read that the most successful people are in the top three percent of the world’s population, and that the top three percent of said population are goal setters. Therefore, to be in the top three percent and therefore successful you must set goals. Truism. Does that mean that all goal setters are successful? No.

Look, there are ample arguments that you need to set goals, after all you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, but some people miss 100% of the shots they do take. It is also said that if you don’t know where you are going then you won’t get there, but what if you don’t really like it when you do? This is the trouble with goals. The reason why I think I want what I want is that I think it will get or do something for me. I want the new car because of how I think I will feel when I have it; the thing is that I have no evidence whatsoever to substantiate that belief. I say I want to be rich, but do I even know what it will be like for me? No.

Goals are often the good being the enemy of the best. I think I know what is best for me, but I really have no idea. One thing is certain, happy people tend to generate more happiness; miserable people tend to perpetuate their misery. Robert Kiyosaki, the author of “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” stated that money does nothing more that magnify who we are, if we are happy then we will be happier, if we are miserable then we will be more miserable. Usually the motivation for setting a goal is that I am feeling one way now and I am aiming for something to make me feel better. In other words it is usually an undesirable life circumstance that inspires us to change our fortune. On the surface there is nothing wrong with it, but what’s to say that we know what will make us happy, especially when we only think it will? If we achieve the goal it will only amplify who we are.

Then there is the issue of the observer effect, the quantum theory that states that expectations affect outcome. Let’s be real, the future does not exist in any other form than possibility, and if something is possible then anything is. So I choose between possibilities with my expectations. I get the future that I expect. Don’t be fooled though, the simple truth is that you are not consciously aware of most of your expectations. Your expectations are formed in the simple way of unconscious association, in other words, what you have experienced you will expect. Even if you consciously decide one thing, you can unconsciously expect another. Ever had the weekend you just knew would be great but then it sucked? Unconscious expectations. So you could set the best goal in the world, but sabotage it with expectations you don’t even know are there. If I set a goal because I feel bad, the chances are that I will produce according to how I am feeling as how I feel determines what I expect.

So here’s what I think, instead of looking at some point in the future I will focus on how I want to feel now and let the universe support that in the best way for me. There is one piece of nifty sabotage that I have picked up in people; they think that if they are happy now it will mean that they are saying they want life to stay as it is. Let’s face it, if I ask if you like your coffee and you say you do (when you don’t) then I will have no reason to change it for you.  Well the universe doesn’t work that way. Have you ever seen a happy garden? It doesn’t stay the way it is, it grows and grows and grows. A happy life has no choice but to grow and get better. Set goals if you must, but only as a direction to head in. Be open to change, be open to something even better coming along, and most of all be happy now.

Want to learn to be happy in the RIGHT NOW…..go to www.imagineif.co.za

 

Relationship Assassins – The Co-Dependent

 

This one is perhaps the master of disguises, the king of wolves in sheep’s clothing. It wears the cloak of nobility so well that you actually believe wholeheartedly that you are doing the right thing. When you call it by its other name the mask comes off a little – destructive nurturing. It takes two forms: One is when you put the other’s needs first to the complete detriment of your own; two is when you try to be the healer and end up destroying two people in the process.

The reason this one catches us so off-guard is that we feel a need to be co-dependent and actually believe we are doing the right thing. It’s a dangerous thing, it’s like sleeping in a bath of leeches; you will inevitably be sucked dry. Putting someone else’s needs above your own is never OK, especially when you feel compelled to do it. The simple truth is this: How much will you have to give when you don’t have anything left to give?

Co-dependency is allowing someone to siphon all your petrol but never putting anything back in, because you won’t let them or won’t ask for it.  Destructive nurturing is looking for someone to fix but doing at as a broken person and out of the need to fix (usually because you need fixing yourself). At the heart of these behaviours is someone who feels woefully inadequate, and therefore a target for co-dependency. If your self-esteem is low, it can never be boosted by being a relationship martyr. This is one instance where it is not your job to die for the cause. The sad thing that ending co-dependency is usually the same as ending the relationship, a relationship built on that foundation will have no basis for continuing without it.

If you are in a co-dependent relationship, either as the giver or the taker, and you have noticed that this is a recurring pattern then you need help pronto. The behaviours and feelings are extremely evasive, so untangling them yourself is not always possible, and you may even fight to keep them. So if you spot co-dependency then you need to act right away, your relational happiness and personal health depend on it. Go to www.imagineif.co.za for immediate assistance.

 

Inspiration VS Motivation

So many people come to me because they don’t feel motivated, but what if a lack of motivation was you simply being told by your unconscious mind that you are indeed heading in the wrong direction? What if you don’t feel motivated because you simply shouldn’t be chasing that thing? What if the wall your ladder is against is indeed, despite what everyone else tells you, the wrong wall? My personal beef with motivation is twofold; first it presupposes that you don’t believe you already have what you are aiming for, and if you get according to the energy you project then you will continue in the state of needing motivation; second, it is like a drug, it wears off quickly and you are left needing another fix. I think motivation ultimately lets you down. Can you remember the last time you felt motivated? That’s precisely my point, there was a last time.

Enter inspiration. This is where it is at. Motivation is stepping up to the hoop and throwing shot after shot until you get one in, inspiration is getting it in on the first go. If you are going to get it in at least once, why not on the first shot? How do we get inspired in this case? It’s quite simple, you listen. Learning to listen, on the other hand, takes some practice. Our ego simply cannot abide doing nothing. Imagine taking 30 minutes out of your day to sit and be fully mindful, and simply listen. A client once asked me, “How would you make any money if you just listened?” Well, a motivated person will be busy all day trying thousands of options in the hopes that one or two will stick, an inspired person will just do those one or two things and be just as successful. The difference is that the inspired person appears to be doing nothing.

It’s a bizarre concept to most people; we are so used to chasing shadows that to do anything else seems truly crazy. The thing is that when the ego is in charge, it loves to run around and be busy going nowhere filled with its own importance. To be quiet enough to be inspired takes putting the ego aside. I find that it is generally the people who are authentic who tend to be inspired. When you are being true to the real you (not the ego the real you is wearing, but your higher self) you are living from the source of inspiration. It takes time to get there, and it is different for everyone, but it is worth the effort.

In order to assist my clients to do this, I designed the Imagine Gradual Immersion Mindfulness Meditation program, which helps you to reach a target goal of 30 minutes of mindful meditation in 90 days. I found that people who attempt to do 30 minutes a day straight away tend to drop out quickly. My point is this; it is a journey of small steps and gradual immersion. It is not about being inspired, but about learning to listen to the inspiration that is already abounding. It’s your choice really; keep running yourself ragged in the hopes that you will make it, or slow it all down and do only the things that are needed and be successful.

If you want to move to an inspired life, then go to http://www.imagineif.co.za