Monthly Archives: June 2012

The Quickest Route

Everyone is a sucker for the quickest route. So we are always on the lookout for shortcuts and more direct routes. If you were to fly from Johannesburg to London, the quickest route would be a direct flight; making lots of stops would make the journey long and undesirable. When it comes to the achievement of our goals however, while a direct route is good, shorter steps will get us there quicker than big ones. Perhaps this is why most people fail to achieve their goals, and why so many don’t even set any in the first place.

I am all for setting crazy big goals, but I am not for attempting to get there in one big leap. See, most people will set a big goal and give up because they just don’t believe they can get to it, or they attempt and fail. Goals require daily attention if they are to be reached, and that includes thinking “as if” you have already achieved it. If the goal is just too big, then you simply will reject thoughts such as “I am a millionaire”. You can only be it if you feel it, and you can only feel it if you can think it, and you can only consistently think it if you can believe it.  So if you can’t believe it, it is highly likely you won’t achieve it.

So how do you know if you don’t believe what you are thinking? That is very simple, it doesn’t feel right. You may have a feeling of doubt or an unsettled feeling in your tummy. Psychologists call this “cognitive dissonance”, and it is very useful. Please be aware though that cognitive dissonance feels like a “no” but it isn’t as simple as that. It simply means that what you want (as you want it now) is outside of your comfort zone. Most people abandon their efforts at that point or they will keep trying for a few days but go back to what feels more “right”. Do you know what I am talking about?

Getting the “buy in” of your unconscious mind is essential, think of your conscious mind as the goal setter and your unconscious mind as the goal getter. If your unconscious mind doesn’t agree with what you are consciously rehearsing then you can forget about it, you will get no support in terms of drive and motivation. Changing your unconscious mind by repeating the “affirmation” is a long and tedious process. Here is what you do instead, and this will give you a rewarding sense of movement and a source of motivation, you chunk down. When you feel the cognitive dissonance, take a mental step back to smaller details. “I am a millionaire” would become “I earn an extra R10 000 per month”. An extra R10 000 is not a million, but you will have to achieve that on the way to the million. If you experience cognitive dissonance on the next step down then chunk down again until you reach believability. If you go as far as you can and still have cognitive dissonance, then perhaps that is the real “no”. What seems like a “no” can become a “yes” when you chunk down to the smaller details.

Once you reach believability, stick to that as your “mini” goal. This is just a stepping stone, and territory you will have to cross on the way to your big goal. Now instead of paralysis there is steady movement taking small steps. The small goals may seem insignificant, but when you consider that they are territory that must be crossed on the way to achieving the big goal ANYWAY, marking out the route to your big goal step by small step guarantees that you will achieve it.

For unique and superior goal setting coaching (I have developed my own system) go to http://www.imagineif.co.za

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Relationship Assassins – The Passive Aggressive

We live in an age of passive aggression, and it is not limited to one sex or the other. This “trait” is something that will strangle the life out of any relationship. I have seen this killer rear its ugly head time and time again, and more often than not, you don’t even know it has struck.

The two main weapons of Passive Aggressive are making you feel like you have the problem (and you don’t have a clue what it is) and making you feel like you have been attacked yet you have no idea how. This is the assassin that kills with a smile, it give you your own way, agrees with everything you say, lets you make the choices; but really wanting its own way, closes in for the kill. Even when it kills the relationship you aren’t even sure what has happened or that it is really dead, and you leave blaming yourself since the other person was “such an angel”.

The Passive Aggressive does not know how to speak out for itself, it always sees problems in hindsight and claims ignorance, and is the master of emotional manipulation. It hides its weapons under cloak of “good will”, so that once it strikes it can disappear again, after all, it did what YOU wanted and always gave you YOUR way. It is easy to spot though, but hard to identify as it hides so well.

Signs that it might be poised to strike (or has already) are feelings of something out of place (not knowing what though) knowing there’s a problem and being convinced it must be all you, your partner may be present but seems absent. If any of these symptoms are present then you may need to take a closer look, and hopefully it isn’t too late.

Arm yourself with clear communication and some healthy boundaries; seek a coach if you don’t know how to do this.  Passive Aggressive is striking with increasing frequency, so keep your eyes open. Reward offered: fulfilling relationships. Call an expert now!

Go With The Flow

There is a predictable flow to life, one that when understood can mean the difference between pain and confusion, and growth and success. Everyone experiences this flow, from the very prosperous to the poverty stricken, and truth be told, understating and working with this flow can put you on the path to bliss.

In his groundbreaking book “The New Psycho Cybernetics” Maxwell Maltz suggests that it is not our IQ that leads to our success, but rather our AQ. AQ, or Adversity Quotient, is measured by how well we adapt to adversity. You see, someone with a high IQ but low AQ won’t enjoy much success, but someone with average IQ and high AQ can’t be stopped. To have a high AQ it will require you be able to adapt and adjust your view of reality and develop new ways of thinking.

The flow in life looks like this A to B to new A or G. Alpha to Beta to new Alpha or Gamma loop. If that seems like Greek to you, it is. Let’s start with Alpha. In the Alpha phase life is peachy, your coping mechanisms are working fine and for all intents and purposes you are happy. “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” is your motto. As we all know, this doesn’t last, hence the saying “All good things must come to an end,” but people rarely follow this statement to its real conclusion, “So that something even better can come along.” That is precisely why it does end. Get used to it; the Alpha phase must come to an end, but that is not to say that the Beta phase is painful. It doesn’t have to be. In the Beta phase things start getting hinky. The Beta phase occurs because the previous Alpha phase results in some existential situations that you don’t yet have coping mechanisms for, questions you do not have the thinking needed to answer. You recognise Beta phase because it starts with feeling unbalanced, ill at ease, confused, stuck and things start to go “wrong”. “Life sucks” is your motto in the Beta phase, and until you understand the purpose behind the Beta phase, it will seem that way. The Beta phase serves a specific purpose, that of preparing you for your New Alpha. The reason why Beta phase is so painful is that your old coping mechanisms are no longer working, and new ways of thinking are needed in order to move forward to the New Alpha. How the Beta phase achieves this is simple, it presents you with crisis’ (that you have never had, or have never solved) to solve, and once you have successfully solved them you have developed the new way of thinking that will lead you to the New Alpha phase. A solved crisis is either one that you have successfully dealt with, or that no longer carries any significance for you.

Here is where things often go pear shaped though. Not realising the purpose of the Beta phase, and thus not open to new learnings or personal growth, most people attempt to solve the current crisis using the coping mechanisms and thinking of the previous Alpha phase. This leads them into the Gamma loop, and it is here that life starts self destructing. Stupid decisions get made, finances plummet, relationships break down, drug/alcohol habits kick in, and it gets worse and worse. At best it dumps you into depression. It is mainly once a person hits the Gamma phase that they seek help in the form of therapy.  The Gamma loop needs to be broken and the client needs to be taught new ways of thinking. People come for coaching for all kinds of reasons, but it all comes down to finding a New Alpha. The good news is the people who have successfully broken out of a Gamma loop don’t usually ever get stuck in one again.

This is why I first introduced the idea of AQ, a well developed AQ can make Beta phase a breeze. Don’t be fooled though, a Gamma phase is hard to break out of alone, though it isn’t impossible.

 

Suspended Animation

My blog comes to you from the heart of the majestic Drakensberg, this tranquil place has brought me a new revelation on how to be at peace all the time. What makes you feel miserable and unbalanced? Quite simply – your beliefs. You have an inner unconscious world that is just a question/answer place, you look around and ask an iMajestic peacenner question (What about? What if? What is going to happen? When?) and your unconscious mind finds the matching belief and says, “here you go” and then matches a feeling to it to back it up. I am not saying you do all of this consciously, in fact, you are pretty much unaware of what is going on inside of you. You are left with a feeling and a conscious sense of “what on earth is going on?”

There is an entire chorus of opinions going on inside of you and one commentator to speak for them all, and you, the obedient follower doing what you are told. Just let your mind wander for a bit, and you will get a conscious glimpse of what is going on in your unconscious mind, on a much smaller scale. You go forward in time, backwards in time, you prophesy doom, worry a bit, hope a bit and then circle back again, you go everywhere except now. As I said, all this is going on, on a much greater scale, unconsciously, and all you really get consciously is the feelings that result from the process. The trouble with beliefs is that we believe them to be true, and most of the time we don’t we know what we truly believe, we only know how we feel (if that).

So what is the big deal? Well, as far as the law of attraction is concerned we don’t attract using our conscious minds, but with our unconscious minds, so what goes on unconsciously is a very big deal as it determines what you get in your reality. If fact, and I am sorry to say this, your conscious mind is the part of you that only gets to experience what you are creating unconsciously, but has little to with the creating. This is not to say that we cannot consciously choose what we want to be creating with our unconscious minds, the thing is that we usually spend a few moments a day consciously directing our unconscious creating and the rest allowing our minds to run amok. If you had to compare the amount of time you spend making an effort versus just running on automatic you would find that you spend most of the time being dictated to rather than being in charge, and your dictator is pretty pessimistic. He/she has to be though, after all, he/she just wants you to be safe. What you know (however dismal) is safe, what you want (but have not yet had) is unknown and very unsafe (to your unconscious mind). All these beliefs and opinions that you have running your life are simply only what you think is true, but aren’t really.

If you want to experience peace and balance right now, then make a declaration that you no longer believe anything to be true and then experience the inner “??????” that follows. Everything you think is opinion, and if you suspend your opinions then it becomes very quiet inside, it also starts to feel really good. No opinions, no emotions needed to back them up. Try it, the next time you start to feel off-center, just remind yourself to put your opinions on hold and suspend your beliefs.

If you feel bad or good it is because of what you believe about something. Period. Who says that what you believe is really true anyway? It probably is only a matter of perspective anyway, and who decides that? Suspending beliefs (even if you don’t know what they are) gives you a blank slate and you can choose what belief to put there in that moment. This reality that feels so scary is nothing more than an opinion you hold, change that and you change the world.